The Real Rules of Social Media Marketing Unmasked!

Glen inspired me. He wrote down, among other, some well known rules of social media marketing. As I do not abide by any rules beside my own and disagree with many of those I rewrote them so that all of you out there know what’s really going on in social media.

Keep the original rules in mind and fasten your seatbelts:

  • 1. Enlarge your linkability. Be a real man! Size does matter! Enlarge your linkability by enlarging your site with a blog. Then enlarge your blog by adding content daily! Then enlarge your blog with top 10 posts, “the secret of whatever” and hot chicks with [your product]!
  • 2. Add at least a dozen buttons for social media. Come on! The more buttons the better. Everybody can see how Web 2.0 you are and how many sites you do know. So of course everybody can see by the sheer number of them that you’re a real expert. Besides social sites’ users are so damn lazy they just bookmark or submit stuff they need just a click for.
  • 3. Reward inbound links. If someone links to you, link her or him at least twice, submit her or him to at least 3 social sites you are a user of. If it’s a she and you are a man tell her you love her, if it’s him, tell him that his blog is greater, bigger and larger and you are just a piece of shit compared to him.
  • 4. Throw your content at everyone and let it travel around the world. Or just wait until all the copycat bloggers and content scrapers take it and then refrain from suing them. That’s almost enough! Let people translate your posts into at least 70 languages and conquer those markets afterwards.
  • 5. Encourage the mashup. As in 4. just stop caring for your content and do not engage a lawyer.
  • 6. Content is King Kong! Produce the f*****g best quality content of the planet and if you can’t tell the audience that your content is the f*****g best quality content of the planet. Otherwise just do as the others do in 4 until you learn to create content like King Kong!
  • 7. Reward users. Simply reply to comments. People are so alienated on the Net they will treat you like their brother or sister just for writing some lousy two liners.
  • 8. Participate. Be omnipresent. Appear on all social networks and sites and befriend the same people everywhere. Stalk ‘em at conferences, poke fun at them. Send them your used panties! Make ‘em feel that you’re their neighbour on the Internet.
  • 9. Know how to target your audience. Do it like the Texans, set up a target and shoot! Use all kinds of weapons and calibers!
  • 10. Create content. Not just any content, but content that will either make em puke or dance, content that will make ‘em call Matt Cutts for help or if you have no idea what to write about let the tabloids inspire you and use headlines like “two headed search engine optimizer eaten alive by baby alligator”.
  • 11. Be hyperreal. Be yourself! Everybody is a superhero. So be hyperreal, be larger than life! Picture yourself as a superhero and make up a superhero name for yourself, something like Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer!
  • 12. Don’t forget where you came from. Remember that hitting the Digg homepage means nothing besides “server down”. So remember that you’re from planet earth where capitalism rules and paying 300$ extra server costs does not make you a superstar.
  • 13. Try new things. Especially those 12 above. It’s not just about reading and laughing at Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer!
  • 14. Develop a strategy. Your goal must be world domination! Being the number one in Google for whatever keyword. For instance in one year from now, I will be #1 on Google for SEO blog even before Matt Cutts and this other guy who is kin to random fish or something (I will poke fun at him as long as he does not admit that I am the greatest SEO blogger of all times!)
  • 15. Choose your tactics randomly. 1% of people in social media are creating content, 9% will enrich the content and 90% of people are consuming the content, that is a lot of leverage. Like the guy who is kin to the random fish, do what you like no matter what others say. This is the only way. Poets, mad scientists and blogging superheros like Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer work that way!
  • 16. Make social media part of your rants. Find ways to flatter or piss off social media with posts like “Flash sucks!” It really works. Been there, done that. People will digg your server into oblivion. On the other hand you might prefer SEO 2.0 where you just stick to being friendly and useful (but it’s not as much fun).

This post ain’t funny by the way. It’s how it works in Web 2.0, social media (marketing) and SEO 2.0. Now you laugh but tomorrow Mad Tad, the SEO destroyer will get you!

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